Am I Doing it Wrong? Motherhood Confessions #1

Am I doing  it wrong?
I wonder as we sit in the dark feeding sleeping feeding sleeping through the middle of the day as we have for weeks now.

Am I doing it wrong?
I wonder as I consider the fact that it’s 12pm, I’m still in my pyjamas  and haven’t washed my hair in 2 weeks. OTHER MOTHERS have their baby on a schedule. OTHER MOTHERS go to lunches and coffees and shops with their babies. OTHER MOTHERS maintain a high standard or personal hygiene and grooming.

Am I doing it wrong?
I wondered as we played the stand up feeding dance of an overtired hungry (is it reflux or is he just really tired) baby and an exhausted, beyond sleep deprived mum. Nuzzles at chest, bring down to boob, arches back and screams, throw over shoulder, sing & dance, bring down to boob & he latches on, feeding but not fully relaxed yet. Don’t sit down! Whatever you do, don’t sit down too early or you’ll have to start the entire song and dance again!

Am I doing it wrong?
I wondered as he woke for the 4th time in 4 hours for the 4th week in his 4th month here & I picked him up to soothe his cries, put him to my boob to nurse him back to sleep, held him up for precisely 20 minutes, then ever so carefully lowered him down to the surface of his cot; praying praying praying for more than 50 minutes. (Are you cold are you hot are you in pain are you a bad sleeper should we co-sleep more should I be teaching you to self settle am I doing it wrong?)

Am I doing it wrong?
I wondered as I strapped and wrapped him in my beautiful fair trade wholesome baby carrier and attempted to make some wholesome nourishing porridge for my tired hungry self. Baby starts grizzling and wriggling and unsuccessfully attempts to launch out of said carrier. (Wear your baby around the home they said – you will be arms free & they will love being close to you they said!)

Am I doing it wrong?
I wondered as I put the bouncer on the kitchen bench, strapped him in and ignored the diagram on said bouncer clearly stating NOT to put baby in bouncer on said bench. And again as I made my porridge while he watched. Talk to him? Sing to him? Let him be? Is he happy? Bored? Lonely? Tired? Am I doing it wrong?

Am I doing it wrong?
I wondered as I picked up my phone to type this reflection; breaking my great endeavour NOT to use my phone while he was on my boob. He’s a human. Be mindful. Be respectful. Be present. Be loving. Be a GOOD MOTHER.

Am I doing it wrong?
I wonder as he sleeps peacefully in the crook of my arm; belly full of milk, warmth of his mother keeping him close. The lure of his cot in the corner of our room is real but the fear of him waking when I try to “put him down” is stronger. So I remain in my cramped, awkward position staring longingly at the soft surface of our bed – so close yet so far away. My back aches, my eyes sting. I want to sleep so badly but I want him to sleep more.

I remain still and hold my baby.

Am I doing it wrong?

Am I doing it wrong?

Am I doing it wrong?

Love & Support to all the Mothers out there asking Am I doing it wrong? on a daily basis.

Amy xxx

Post Script

And just for the record, last night our little one slept in a 4 hour block for the first time since he was about 6 weeks old! So today I told myself, “We must have done something right!”

 

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2 Comments
  • Jodi Cumming
    May 2, 2017

    Your doing amazing, and doing what feels ok at the time

  • Jade
    May 14, 2017

    Sounds like you are doing it right to me. Follow your heart and hang in there! What you are doing is loving, selfless and bloody hard! From one mother to another- well done you are doing a great job!

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